Waster's Little Life

2003-04-07T01:50:00.000Z

I've decided to make my own zodiac. To this end, as I can be arsed, I'll be adding a sign a day (when I can be arsed) until there's a full set of how ever man y I can be bothered to add. Then I can make a quick buck by doing the waster-signs for a national tabloid.
First up

The Funkal

The flunkal is a strange creature. Prone to eating with a cocktail stick instead of a fork, the flunkal will often be seen eating cheese, sometimes with pineapple, or on occasion, sausages. The flunkal may fing that they mingle well with others, although some of the later born ones may find this only because they're stood outside the toilet at parties.
Flunkals are especially lucky in games involving chilli beans, and their lucky number is Pi, their lucky colour is yellow, and thier lucky smell is applewood and turpentine.

2003-04-06T20:50:00.000Z

Comparing things to Chips

Number 1. An end to the pointless opression of millions by the army of the irrate weasel, or Chips.
Gotta be chips hasn't it?

2003-04-05T22:54:00.000Z

I've been working on a way to quantify stupidity.
I think today I've had an eight, if not an eight and a half.
It began when I found that I had to superglue some stuff together at work.
So I followed the instructions and washed the two pieces. Then I applied a fine coating of glue.
An important thing to remember at thins point is that it does state on the tube that the two pieces should be dry. The reason for this is that if the glue mixes with the water, the stuff that's left, while not as strong as glue, is perfectly caperble of sticking your hands to the object you're sticking. Then, while you're taking your hands off that piece, you're getting glue on your other hand, and when you pick up the other piece, you can bet your arse that your'll be stuck to that piece too. Then once you've got rid of that you may want to stick your hands to the table as an encore.
The real problem I have here is that I need a unit for my stupidity scale. Normally these things are named after the person who develops them. Problem is I don't want the unit of stupidty naming after me.
I can see it now "Dr Jones of the University, a lecturer in comparitive stupidity said the event measured approximately seven Wasters, this is around the same as pushing the front back on a stapler with your thumb, and inserting said staple into your thumb"
It'll be a grey day.

2003-04-05T00:39:00.000Z

When did the Index catalogue shrink to manageable proportions?
Everyone knows when you go to get a catalogue, it should be unweildy, and you should struggle at all times.
Trust me, if you've got stock in argos, it's time to sell up, you're buried here.

Tonght's ebay sifting showed this months FHM (cover price £3.10) Selling for £4.67. I thought this was stupid, but there's a copy of the new maxim there too, selling for £5. They're selling them to foriegn climes, charging postage to the buyer, and pocketing the difference.
Now there's about 20 mens mags a month (some of them come out more than once a month) If they can make £1.50 each, and then sell five copies of each, that's ......................150 notes.
Now all I need is an investment.
Someone lend me £100......

I've notices there's a lot of money adding up gooing on here this weekend. My subconcious must be telling me I'm skint.

2003-04-05T00:19:00.000Z

Can I just say

MIDWIFERY

Sorry. It amuses me.

2003-04-03T23:30:00.000Z

Petition update.

It's going well. I was hoping for more than 10 signatures, but I'm sure some of you have just not got round to it yet.

2003-04-03T23:14:00.000Z

I need money.

It's come to the point where I need money. Rather badly.
I'm also thinking about moving back to the homestead, for fiscal reasons. So that means, I've got to tidy out my old room, and in typical mercinary style, I've decided to sell some stuff, which is why I was on e-bay before. Problem is, I'm a klepto.
Seriously.
I go to throw things away and I have to look at them, or mess with them, or "I can't possibly throw that away, I might need/want it". Sometimes I even feel ill.
Which isn't too bad, because if I had a roughly constant ammount of stuff, then I wouldn't have a problem. But I can't help but think that I need more stuff, where "need" is interchangable with want. I don't even know what I want some of it for. This is why I should be banned from the internet. I could spend thousands (no, really) on shit that I don't need, that I wouldn't normally see in my everyday life (i.e these four walls), and not only that but someone will deliver it to me!!
Vive la technology as they probably say somewhere.
I can honestly say that I shouldn't be allowed on the internet.

It's all very deep here tonight.

2003-04-03T22:38:00.000Z

Gerald Watch

Not talked about Gerald much. I think he's evaporating. I'm considering feeding him.
Although I have to admit I dunno what half dried up strange life forms that have evolved from glasses of water with something floating in them eat. Or what to call them, apart from Gerald (or Geraldicus Wasticus). I mean his speicies needs a common name, like dog is a ommon name for cainine sort of thing.
Murkius Glassius perhaps.

2003-04-03T22:01:00.000Z

Bubble wrap is great, we all know that.

But there's never enough is there? I mean realistically you get a farty little bit wrapped around your new cup/parcel/cast of an elephants scrotum, and then once you've popped them all you're done. But thisnk of how much stress relief you get from it. If you get a piece that's about hlaf a square metre then you're sated for a long time.
Now, take a look at this.
There's a whole lot of bubble wrap for sale on e-bay.I reckon that if there's a 100 by 2 metres of bubble wrap, then that's 100 people happy for £9.99 including delivery and tax. A quick glance at this gives the wolrd population to be 6,300 million people, more or less. So therefore we'd need £299,700,000 (ish) to make everyone happy for a day, via the gift of bubble wrap. This doesn't even include the discount for buying in bulk.
And it's still less than it's costing us to go to war.
Here endeth the political rant.
If you'll excuse me I'm off to try and sell something random on ebay.

2003-04-02T22:31:00.000Z

Is Google evil?

I've been thinking about this.
It trawls around the internet, looking at everything, and I mean everything, and organising it, so that "you can find it". Or is it looking for something darker? Who waches the watchers eh? eh?
Not only that but it keeps copies of everything in that damn cahche it has. Not that I'm saying anything but the internet isn't safe anymore. Not with all this watching going on.
On a brighter note, Chilli for tea. Very nice it was too.

2003-04-01T11:31:00.000Z

A blog from in the field

I'm at uni today. It's a very strange place full of strange people. But that's not important.
What is important is that being in the land of education leads me to ask questions of great philosophical value. Like what I'm going to have for lunch, If I should change my name and if God exists what does he do for kicks?

God, and what he does for shits and giggles.

What does God do for fun? I mean can you imagine knowing everything? It'd make watching TV and reading obsolete, because you'd already know whodunnit. Sport? You're God for gods sake (yoursake?), who's gonna want to play you at sport?
Except Marradona, and he's got your hand.
And what did God do the week before he made the world? I assume he did that uncomfortable standing that people do when they're ina c rowd of people that they don't know and don't want to interact with in anyway, but have been forced to by social circles (horrible things. Why circles? If you have a love thing then it's a triangle, cause there's three people, surely a social circle is only a circle then if it's got an infinite number of people in it. Otherwise it's a social polygon. In my case it's a social point, but that's another story)What did he stare at if there was nothing there? Did he stare at his fingers in that way that people do when they're socially uncomfotable? The way that gives the impression that you've never seen your fingers before? Or did he invent something to pass the time.
Wanking for instance.
You'd think that he'd have invented himself a lady god to go and see at the weekend. I mean fair play to the fella for inventing the saturday night out, but why not invent an eight day week with two sundays?

Should I change my name, and if so, what to?

I need a stage name, on the off-chance I become famous. All suggestions are welcome, although I can't personally reply to any of them, not because of any special reason, more out of lazyness. I'd think that something which sounds both exciting , yet deep would be out of the question, but I'm looking for something more than "Eric". Perhaps something starting with U might be nice. I might look into that...

What should I have for lunch

A sandwich.

2003-03-31T17:27:00.000Z

Gerald is coming along well. He's grown somekind of skinf now.. He also sems to be separating into solid and liquid phases, like cheese does. It's vaugely unpleasant, but at the same time it's rather facinating.
A bit like farting.

2003-03-31T00:07:00.000Z

It's getting more and more sporadic this thing isn't it?
Anyway, I've decided that there's few things more confusing than the clocks going forward. It's taken me many years to get the hang of the fact that they go forward in spring and back in autumn. (Not fall. It's autumn. deal with it.), but when I woke up this morning Iwasn't sure if I was coming or going.
I mean the two hours sleep didn't help much, but today I had cloxks that were telling me was half six, half five, quarter to six and nine twenty. I think the last one is stopped.
It's not the easiest thing ot work out when you've only just woken up. I did the standard thing of trying to rationalise staying in bed for another few minutes (It's twenty eight minutes past, so I should stay in bed until half past), but it's a little difficult, when the clocks are several hours apart.
Aside from that I've slept a lot today and considered explaining to the world how to make the "single most annoying thing in the world of windows." But then that would be mean wouldn't it?
I expect if I run short of material later in the week then it's likely to make an appearence...

2003-03-29T00:12:00.000Z

Didn't put anything up yesterday. But such is the dilema of my busy schedual.
I'm worried that I might have become one of the ubernerds. Apart from the fact that I now have an internet diary, I find myself looking at teh gas bill and thinking that that ammount of power would run a lot of lightbulbs.
Then working out how many.
I also think things like, I wonder if I can write a virus. That can't be healthy.
Frankly I'm worried.

Stuff they should make

Sandwich loaves. Not a loaf that you could make a sandwich from, but an actual loaf, made up of sandwiches placed back to back. You could have flavours, like cheese, or ham, or tuna. Or you could have a variety pack. Like biscuits.
Self heating pot noodles. They can make tins that heat themselves. I've no idea how it works, but when I find out I'm going to apply it to pot noodles. And make millions.
Electric dog collars for the terminally stupid: There are some dumb people in this world. I think that they should be removed from the gene pool, but that's another story. If everyone was fitted witha n elecrtic dog collar, and then people that passed an intelligence test were allowed to inflict a certain number of shocks per day on those who failed, then the number of stupid people would go down quickly.
A stolen Idea Well spank my arse and I'll go to hell, but this is a great idea that someone (I assume it was Ash) came up with. Pritt Stick Butter. It's like an easily appyable stick of butter that can be rolled onto the bread, saving time and washing up. It's genius and I'm happy to steal it.

2003-03-26T22:48:00.000Z

I had the strangest fream last night.
I dreamt I was picking my nose (grim, yes I know) and it wouldn't come out. I pulled it and pulled it and at the end of it was the biggest bogey I've ever seen. It was like a golf ball.
It remeinded me of that bit from total recall where they pull that do hickey out of his nose.
I'm not sure what it means, but I woke up with a bloody nose.
It's possible that I'm losing my grip on reality.

2003-03-25T21:47:00.000Z

Almost forgot to mention that uraniscus is the roof of the mouth.
Make a note of it for your collections.

2003-03-25T20:40:00.000Z

Not much has happened today. It's around four days into things like this where I run out of things to say. people could save millions each year (between them, not each, not unless they bought a shit load of diaries) by only buying diaries with four pages in them. The first days of the year, and the pages with their birthday on it.
Mine's March 14th by the way.

As for gerald, he's almost certainly alive. He seems to be a different colour at different times of the day. If I can get the batteries out of the remote control and into myy camera there's every chance of some pictures appearing.
If he's a new life form, I'm naming him Geraldicus Wasticus. I like the name.

2003-03-24T22:38:00.000Z

I've got a pint glass on my desk. I don't know what's in it. I thought it was water, but it's a bit murky.
What's worrying is that I drnk half of it before I realised this.
It's been here for a couple of days now, I figure seeing as i'm not dead, it's not been poisoned, so there might be something alive in it. I'm calling it Gerald, and leaving it to see what happens.

2003-03-24T20:53:00.000Z

Petition

I almost forgot. The petition starts today.
Go sign it. Right now.
It lives here

2003-03-24T20:45:00.000Z

TV is strange. It's weird to see which programs are on TV and whioch ones aren't in veiw of the war.
Last week, it was all very well for them to take everything off to show the UN vote and the house of commons debate, but they took it all off for Ready Steady Cook.
Now with the channels showing the war 24/7, it seems that there's a definate hierachy of programs. For instance all the kids TV is still on, but it's been shifted to Beeb2, but Ready Steady Cook has been taken off.
On a lighter note bargin hunt is still on.

In a slight break from usage of the letter U, I'd like to link words begining with U, with the interpretation of them if they come up in your dreams.

Urinal

To see a urinal in your dream, signifies disorder in your personal relationships.

Urination

To see urine in your dream, signifies feelings you have rejected.

To dream that you are urinating, symbolizes a cleansing and release of negative or repressed emotions. Urination is symbolic of having or lacking basic control in your life.

To dream that you are urinating in public, symbolizes a lack of privacy in your affairs or your need to make a public apology or confession.

2003-03-23T23:33:00.000Z

A Homage to Posh Noodles

Some people don't like pot noodles. I can see where they're coming from, because they can hace the consistancy of cardboard.
Whcih is bad, but it's probably a symptom of you making it wrong. This guy can set you right though.
Anyway, this isn't about your common or garden pot noodle. This is about posh noodle's, possibly gods last message to student kind.
I thought it wasn't possible to make the perfect pot noodle but I was set straight by my good friend and colegue Ash (Blatent plug for his latest mixing exploits...), who told me if I did nothing else with my life I had to eat a posh noodle.
It's like an instant snack nirvana. Not only had it got a nice posh pot (No burnt hands here me laddo), and a posh sauce sachet (No more spicy sauce on the T-shirt, no more using the teeth to open it because it's not got the little tear off srtip thing on it), BUT IT ACTUALLY TASTES RATHER NICE.
Seriously.
Stop reading this and go and buy one. Even if it's three in the morning, Tesco is open twenty four hours, go and get one.
I suggest spicy chinese chicken, it's great.
Some people will tell you that Pot noodle is dehydrated crap. To these nay-sayers, I say this:

Posh Noodle, not just a dehydrated food stuff, but a way of life,

2003-03-23T19:11:00.000Z

Things to buy, when I come into a large sum of money.

Buy a house, a very big house in the countreeeeeeeee

Buy a camel. I just think it might be amusing when it eats the neighbours washing and they come round to complain
"Yes, I'm sorry Mrs Smythe, I think Henry might just have a thing for eating your smalls. His humps are lovely this time of year aren't they?

Employ someone to carry an umberella for me. As it is written, northen men shall not carry an umberella*. So I'll need someone six inches taller than me to avoid the usual eye-umbrella incidents when a young lady carries it. Plus if I get bored I can entertain my self by poking him with the umbrella.

A pot. To piss in.

2003-03-23T16:39:00.000Z

I'm soooooooo tired.
I've done the feeling tired, done the feeling wide awake, and even done the falling asleep stood up. That's a weird experience the first time you do it. The trick is to be near a wall.
Or holding on to something, cause you'll either get woken up when you start falling if you're still half awake, or if you're like me, then you'll only wake up when you hit something.Like the floor.
Anyway, all this is irrelivant, because I'm on to stage four tiredness anyway now, and I'm halucinating. (No, I don't know how to spell it either.). It's very strange, I keep seeing secret squirrel and morrocco mole following me around singing the carpenters. In fact I seem to be having a real issue with hearing carpenters songs at the minute.
What ever I'm doing, somewhere in the back of my head I can hear the carpenters, just out of earshot. Which is quite weird.
What's worse is that when I try and concentrate all the songs turn into "Close to You". Which is very weird.
It gets worse when people are talking to me, and because I'm tired, I've got the facial screen saver on (smile, nod, blank expression) and their words change from "How are you, it's lovely weather" to "blah blah blah blah meh meh meh". This is perfectly normal behaviour, because they're probably just talking at you. What's freaking me out is when the words change again "meh meh meh blah blah la lalala close to yoooooooou". I'm sure it's far from normal, but it's something I've chosen not to worry about.

Todays word that begins with U is "uakari" which is a short-tailed, long-haired monkey. Somewhat like my dear sibling then.
Petition starts tomorrow. Sign it, or the uakari get's it.

2003-03-22T19:54:00.000Z

How much of an arse do I feel. The petition won't go up for two days.
When it does I'll put the proper link, but for now, if you'll excuse me I'll be over here looking stupid.

2003-03-22T19:43:00.000Z

It's been one of those days.
I woke up with back ache, so I decided to do something to take my mind off it. So I've been telling everyone about the perils of Hydrogen Hydroxide (or DiHydrogen monoxide, as some people will have it). Read aobut it here it's scary stuff.
I was going to join in their pettition, but instead I've decided to start my own campaign. It's called "'U' The Forgotten Vowel." I like the letter U, and it's not used nearly enough. So I've got meself a petition and I've decided to include a word with the letter U in it every day I can be arsed to remember.
Todays word is "umbel" meaning a mass of flowers springing from a single center . I'd like to see you find a word beginning with E that means something that important.
Anyway.....